My name is Doug, I was born in 1971 and raised in Paducah Ky. As a child I experienced a lot of physical and emotional abuse. I developed a lot of fear, anger, rage, and resentment. So, I started searching for ways to comfort my pain.
I was always afraid of drugs and alcohol because I have seen what it did to my family so I searched for comfort through sex and pornography starting around age 7. My fear and anger had gotten so bad that my parents couldn’t control me so I ended up in and out of 3 mental hospitals 3 months at a time from age 10 to 14. I even remember several times that my dad and I would even have these physical fights.
Depression had got so severe that I literally felt like I was physically dying and was experiencing great mourning as if someone very close to me had died and left me in this world alone. I would cry myself to sleep many nights begging God to take me out of this world. There were many times I wanted to kill myself but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and I remember wondering if I killed myself I might miss out on something God has for me even though I thought He couldn’t save me.
At 22 I got married thinking that would be the answer to all my problems, I soon realized this wasn’t the solution. So, I started to pursue my addictive sexual behaviour even deeper and more often even while I was married. This took my guilt to a much higher level because I was starting to do things I didn’t think I was capable of doing. My guilt also increased my level of anger. For so many years I have put myself in many dangerous situations due to my behaviour. It is truly amazing how God has protected my life.
It was about the year 2004 that my Dad had got cancer and slipped into a coma and was dying. By the Lord’s mercy I still made it to the hospital in time, there and I was so saddened by what I saw and all those terrible fights we had before went through my mind. I was alone with him while he was laying there in a coma. I didn’t even really know what it meant but I knew I needed to do this so, I took his hand in mine and I asked him to forgive me and if he is asking for my forgiveness, I forgive him as well and if that is what he was waiting for then I wanted him to die knowing that. Then immediately after saying that He squeezed my hand and the next day he died.
I hated who I had become and I didn’t even realize how deep in darkness I was. I had spent 10 years involved in a 12 step group for sexaholics and got nowhere. I had been in and out of marriage counselling for the complete course of my marriage, which had been about thirteen years. But not once did they point out my selfishness. But after trying everything I could think of that would save me from this destruction I became desperate. I was so lost in darkness I felt no hope.
But God has shown me so much mercy!
I had heard about this place in Kentucky called Pure Life Ministries. They help people who struggle with sexual addiction from all over the world. I would have to leave my good paying job, my family and friends to live there for 6 to 12 months. My addiction had become so out of control, I knew God wanted me there and so out of desperation I started entertaining the idea.
But I was three months behind on my mortgage and the cost to go to this ministry was about $1,200. And they didn’t want me to leave my wife with that debt, so they said I can’t come there until I got my mortgage up to date. I had to come up with $5,000! And I knew my life was ending if I didn’t go quickly and I didn’t have that kind of money. I felt even more desperate now.
As I talked to different people they kept mentioning Liberty Bible Church in all kinds of conversation. So, I thought God wanted me to go to this church for whatever reason. I found out that there was a men’s bible study there on Wed nights. This was in May of 2006. So, even though being extremely shy I went out of desperation and I went in and they all greeted me very nicely as I was a new face. Even though I had never seen any of them before but I felt the needed to share my desperate need and why I needed to go to this ministry and the cost. Within a few days the leader of that group told me that the church would help! So along with my friend from Hawaii and about $1,500 of my 401-k I had the money I needed!
I was so grateful!
I knew God was in this and He had led me toLiberty for that reason. One amazing thing though, I was told later that it was the beginning of the summer and most ministries in the church take a break and the week before I got there was supposed to be their last meeting for the season but they felt this heavy need to go one more Wed then take a break and that was the Wed I came in for the very first time!
So, after I showed a willingness to repent, God started pouring out His grace on me in large amounts. I remember I was sitting in chapel one day down there at Purelife and all I remember is feeling utterly broken so much that I was sobbing over what I was really like in my heart. God revealed that to me. I also knew that He was breaking my heart so he can make it soft. I was so embarrassed and tried to stop the flood of tears but God was doing something so incredible in that room that night that nothing was going to stop it! The Holy Spirit was there! This was in May 2006.
It was at this time His mercy showed me what I was really like inside. How evil and prideful and wicked my heart was. This truly is mercy because without this I wouldn’t have seen my need for a Saviour. But this brokenness didn’t happen overnight, It was gradual. God showed me how lost I was, how cruel and mean I was to my family. I treated them like dirt. He showed me that I need to love them, to comfort them in their time of need, to take on their burdens and to encourage them.
Basically, I had given my wife the hurt I gave myself from my sin. Even though I would show up at all of my son’s school functions and gymnastic meets, I wasn’t giving my son Alex what he really needed which was real love and compassion and a father that would really listen.
God has also shown me how much of an angry person I had become to other people. He has taken my sins and my wicked heart upon Himself and has given me a new heart. So with a new joyful, peaceful, repenting life, I’m choosing to obey His word and walk in His obedience.
God has told me that He will keep me and protect me. The devil tells me that God is not that powerful and that I don’t have Him in my heart. But faith is believing that God is true and never changes and does not lie. However, the devil is a liar.
I choose to believe God.
As God’s grace kept pouring out on me I realized who Jesus the Christ was and that He didn’t just come and die on a cross for everyone’s sin. But He died for me personally and because He lived a perfect life He had the ability to take my past, present and future sins from me and as He did God the Father poured out His wrath on Jesus instead of me.
He experienced the punishment I deserved. It has become so real to me that if I were the only person on earth that needed to be saved from hell that Jesus would still choose to be separated from the father and suffer a horrible death and experience God’s fierce wrath just so that I would have the CHANCE to except his gift. He loves me that much and much more.
Points for Meditation
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